"Unidentified." The story of a jaded, unknowable 23-year-old guy

Whenever I meet someone for the Every Story Counts blog, I give them the opportunity to be anonymous in hopes that it will help them answer more candidly. I met “Unidentified” (he picked this name himself) in a local Tim Hortons. He’s a 23-year-old from Mississauga, Canada. He works in the service industry (Bar & Restaurant).

What % of the time do you lie?

Oh…80 or 70 percent.

Why would you say that you do this?

Um…I don’t know. Sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it just happens. It just occurs. And I like to lie. OR it’s fun. To make people believe something that is completely irrelevant…it’s…fun! I’m not gonna lie about something that’s important and will actually affect people. Why [do I lie]? Cause it’s fun to make people believe things that are so…not true. So obviously not true.

If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be?

Put down the fork. Because there’s an obesity epe…epidemic. Every country that has a gross…uh… that has money over a certain percentage.

But this is advice to the world, and some of the world is in famine….so….?

Most of Europe, North America, parts of Latin America have an obesity epidemic.

How do you feel about parts of the world that don’t have an obesity epidemic?

Stop Fucking…stop fucking because you’re overpopulating…

Is health and nutrition something that’s important to you or do you just like to criticize people’s weight?

I don’t know. Once I start eating the wrong things too much and feel like I’m being unhealthy I’ll start going on health binges. I’ll start going to the gym more often. Like a lot more often.

So it’s a personal kind of philosophy?

Natural…I mean I’ll just look in the mirror and be like “okay fatty. Time to eat healthy. Time to drink water.”

And do you think that you’re fat? Did you have weight issues as a kid?

No not really… [issues] being too skinny? Yes.

Being too skinny and yet…

Cause some people have…K, some people walk around complaining about their weight [guttural voice] “ohhh I’m so fat” and not doing anything about it. And then going to McDonald’s and chowing down on a double quarter pounder with a large fry and getting a diet coke because they just want to save those extra calories.

So you mean they are skimping in the wrong place?

Yeah. Maybe they should walk instead of going to the drive through. Or maybe they should spend three days going to the gym rather than like once every three months. It’s not like I’m being a dick about it just me being like…I have my own personal thing that I do and I can’t understand why other people don’t do it. And yet have the nerve to complain about it.

Do you think that you judge people for certain things because you exhibit those traits yourself?

Yeah. I can’t really recognize it in myself and once I do recognize it I’ll be like “Fuuuck me--I do those things!”

If you could have a room full of any one thing, what would it be? And don’t just say the funniest thing you can think of cause…

(grins) uh ohhh…books! So like a library with an endless supply of books. If you could throw me in a room with an endless supply of books that would be awesome.

And why is that?

Knowledge. Attainment of knowledge.

What do you value most in other people?

Um I’m not quite sure…dependability, communication…an able communicator and uh… humour.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

Take out large sums of money out of any lender available and put it into something and get a huge return. Thus making me a quadrillionaire.

So money is important to you?

Well not as important as personal happiness cause once you’d get the money you would buy something to make you happy. And it wouldn’t be something like personal hookers. Maybe I would buy my way into the [university] of my choice, maybe I’d build and island and do something there and be able to do something there that would make me happy.

Are you focused on a purpose?

Yes. Having a goal in life is what drives us. I mean. I forget the guys name but the guy who pushes the boulder up the hill [Sysephus]. He’s not doing much but he’s still got that one purpose. It drives him to keep living.

But wasn’t that put upon him as a punishment? A pointless task?

Still gave him a purpose.

But if you don’t choose your purpose is it still valid?

Yeah. I’d like to say Batman. Would he have chosen to save his family and not become Batman? Yes. But he’s filling a need. A purpose.

So it’s taking what’s dealt and trying to turn it around?

That’s kind of putting it down. Having a purpose isn’t bad or good...it’s just neutral.

What is the best advice you've ever given and received?

Haven’t seen the result of much advice. Just recently someone was partying a lot and all that shit…and she revealed that she had been assaulted and I told her to get help. To go uh…let her shit out. Seek counseling. Received? ”Get your shit out and start living life.”

How would you like to die?

A barrage a bullets (laughs). If I’m going to die I’d like to die fighting for life.

When was the last time you cried? Why?

Uh…about three weeks ago. [I was] full of emotional rage.

Can you identify what made you feel this way?

Personal relationships that are just uh… irritating. Self disappointment. Lack a personal ambition. Just being in a stagnant place where I just get so depressed about shit.

What would you tell your 17 year old self?

Stop fucking around (laughs). No, I would tell them...OH! “switch your guidance counselor!” (name omitted) fucking idiot douchebag who didn’t know how to do his job. He personally fucked me over many times and didn’t tell me about about university, college, career development, people…anything. Like (leans into microphone) this guys a fucking idiot (laughs). Other than that? Get university English. Everything else you’ll do fine just get university English and you’ll probably have a better time after high school. And (leans into microphone) college sucks. Go to university. College sucks.

And why are you so focused on University?

Because the level is so much better, the level of education of people. In college most people are idiots.

But…you only spent a short amount of time in college, right?

Uh no. I spent three years in college at three different colleges. Experienced a WIDE range of idiots. I’ve seen first hand the idiocy of college.

What is your definition of love?

Content. Fully content with a partner.

What is your first memory?

Banging my finger or thumb on something up north.

How old were you?

Between the ages of 1 to 5. I just remember bang, blood, MOMMY, and then bandaid. Next memory is “I’m a big boy now” jumping on my bed in diapers.

What is your deepest regret?

(Long pause) There’s nothing I would go back in time and change one action. If something happened and I took it back it would probably happen again so why not have it happen now instead of later.

What's the worst lie you ever told? Did you get caught?

Depends what you mean. I convinced my class and half the school that my sister was adopted. I don’t know if that’s bad or just comedic. My sister was told “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were adopted” and that led to more comedic [moments].

And what led you to doing this?

I just wanted to see how stupid the people around me were and even my teacher believed it so they were all idiots.

How did you sister feel?

I think she also felt that they were all idiots and it was a family joke. My sister looks exactly like me so it’s really funny.

Are you shallow?

No, I’m not. Because if your defining shallow on I’m going to dump a girl because she’s not hot--no. but would I dump a girl because she’s not taking care of herself or because she hasn’t taken the same care of herself that I would take of myself…yes. Would I not talk to a girl because she was ugly? No, I would still talk to her.

Are you shallow when it comes to judgment of yourself?

I guess so. I pretend to be someone that I’m not depending to the situation.

Is that about self-protection?

Actually it could be yeah. Could be subconscious protection, cause if I’m not really who I am then people can’t not like who I am. Or it could just be funny.

Would you rather be smart and ugly or dumb and beautiful?

I don’t know, because you could equally be successful both ways. I’d be ugly and dumb…no sorry…I’d be dumb and beautiful. Cause you will be ignorant to the problem. Because depression usually happens with people of a higher intellect.

Have you struggled with depression in the past?

Yes.

How did you manage that?

Haven’t yet. Most likely it just comes from being stagnant. Not being able to move forward or back. And I’m around people who are so goddam mopey. The people I work with are all like “I’m so depressed, life sucks, I’m going nowhere.” And I’m like, I could very well end up like those people just because I’m surrounded by them.

So if you can identify the problem, why is it such a struggle to fix it?

You’d be amazed what people can get used to/are comfortable with. I am trying to make changes though. Moving out, finding a new permanent career.

What do you love/ hate most about yourself

Uh I love my charming good looks. I’m just so youthfull and a cute guy that wherever I go I someplace I can just be present and not have to worry about it. What I love most about myself is my ability to portray confidence when I don’t have any.

Would you like to answer that question again?

I love my uniqueness too because I’m weird and I’d rather be weird than boring. And I hate that there are very few people who I can actually connect or relate to.

What do you think people love and hate most about you?

I think people love that I can be spontaneous and interesting. That I can pull something out of left field. And [they] hate…that I can be really irritating, or good at irritating them and once I find out something that irritates them I just push it to irritate you further.

Are you a good friend?

Um….yes. Yes to some people, No to other people. Based on what kind of friend they are to me.

How is someone a good friend to you?

They’re there when you need them they are not there when your need them too. You can connect and be friend. You can hang out with them. Being a good friend is being a good human being.

What are you afraid of?

Currently right now…abduction because I just watched this movie the forth kind and that scared the shit out of me. Horror movies really scare me.

Okay, lets try to be more concrete. Realistic.

Realistically, horror movies really scare me! Ummm okay…unfamiliar places. When I don’t know a place. I don’t know my exits I don’t know my ins and outs. Can I become comfortable? Yes. Can I force myself to do that? Yes. Does it make uncomfortable? Yes.

What's the worst thing about being male?

Being judged based on like “you’re a guy.” Especially being a white guy. So automatically you’re an asshole. Like walking into a room and having people judge you. But also with like family, friends and women. Having them expect you to be a certain way and maybe when you are like something and its genuine they don’t like it…and are like “WTF, you’re not supposed to be like that!” That sucks.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

Uh…to tell someone that you love them when they don’t love you. It’s easy to tell someone you love them when they love you but if they don’t love you. That’s just kinda scary. Why? Because your giving yourself over to them completely, admitting that you are…and like giving something over when you aren’t getting something in return. Am I being used, am I being taken for?

Have you experienced this before?

Yes and no. I’ve never actually said that I love someone but I’ve said that I could love them.

Tell me a secret?

Uhh..(long pause) I have a lot of secrets about people at work.

Tell me something about you.

Oh….I need to think about this.

I’ll come back. What do you wished I would have asked you?

Have you loved anyone?

Have you loved anyone?

No. I’ve thought that I did, or I think I have but I don’t really know. But I’ve never had that thing. I mean I love my family and my friends but not in terms of a long term partner or spouse who fulfills my life to equal degrees.

Do you have a secret?

(Grumbles) uhhhh (long pause)

You can’t think of one?

Uh…There’s nothing really secret about me. Oh. Someone at work had a miscarriage and told only me about it. I have a way of getting things out of people. The person shouldn’t have been having a baby right now but I felt bad.

What percentage did you lie during this interview?

0%

Are you sure?

(Nods head) Yes.